“Can’t You Just Be Happy With…..”

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No is the hardest word, I am convinced. 

Shortly before my ex blocked me from his life, we had a long conversation where he said “Martin, can’t you just be happy with meeting every now and then?”

At that point, I really should have answered “No.”

When I am in something, I am committed, particularly when it comes to relationships.

You will meet many people in your life, thousands probably by the time you’ve been through school/university, family, work colleagues, friends, etc. Most of those people won’t be a match for you, understandably.

Being selective over who you spend your time with is not a sign that you dislike people, it’s just a sign they have different outlooks and habits that aren’t uplifting.

The vast majority of the conversation with my ex was listening to him complaining about the same things over and over again.

Of course, I wanted to be ‘kind’, ‘sympathetic’, ‘interested’, ‘supportive’ but much earlier on, I should have just said I didn’t want to indulge in pointless whinging without looking for solutions to his problems.

Very few people want solutions. Like many, I know my ex enjoyed being critical of people, bitching behind their backs, always turning the moral mirror on others and never on himself. It’s a brutal fact that pushing people down is far easier than pulling yourself up. Why do you think so many focus on others.

Together for around two and a half years, we now haven’t spoken for a month. Crazy thing is, I do sort of miss him. I haven’t quite figured out why yet. At the same time, I know we aren’t right for each other. The idea that we will never see each other again is still quite raw and painful.

As mercenary as it sounds, when you genuinely invest in something, you want to see a return but both sides have to want that. I did, he didn’t.

This brings me back to “can’t you just be happy with…..”

You have to decide what it is that you want and really mean it.

I was swept away by this past relationship. I describe it as a whirlwind (and a rollercoaster). You can easily be taken by surprise by what life has to offer and learning the lessons from it can take time.

I often laugh at some of the connections I make but there is an apt line in an episode of Sex And The City when Carrie is breaking up with someone and wants to get over it quickly but Charlotte suggests that the amount of time it takes to get over a past relationship is half the time you were with the person. That means, I’ve got a year and quarter.

The truth is, digging out the golden lessons from such experiences can take a while and it’s important not to arbitrarily rush through the process of educating yourself for better future experiences.

I say this a lot but you must constantly remind yourself that ‘It’s Your Life!” and you deserve to have it the way you really wish.

Certain situations will be tougher to deal with and get over, that only means there are even more poignant and transformational lessons to learn and make your life better.

I am reminded of a phrase Katie Hopkins uses often, “This too shall pass.”

It seems impossible that when someone or something has been such a fixture in your day-to-day life that you will ever be able to live without it but you will. I know it, you know it too.

Be kinder to yourself.

Give yourself the time you need.

It only gets better from here, I promise.

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