“I’ll Always Be In Your Life.”

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This is something my ex frequently said to me, I wonder if it still applies now. Ha ha!!! In our darker moments, I always wondered if he said this as a threat. That he would always be in my head, that I would never be able to escape him – LIKE A PRISONER! Naturally, in the brighter moments, I wondered if he meant he would ‘always be there for me’, supportively.

I don’t know. It’s very confusing, and disorientating, when the rug is pulled out from under you!

I logged onto Facebook a few minutes before writing this and I was presented with a memory of me recording a video 5 years ago.

It was a guided meditation I created of a beautiful forest and finding the light in your life when things seem really tough, when you feel alone.

When I lay in bed last night, for a few moments I felt a desperate need to contact my ex. I feel so weird thinking that we may never see each other again in our entire lives.

You see, you have to choose very wisely what you invest in. I invested approaching three years of my life to this now-ended relationship.

I won’t deny it, I feel angry about that. Part of me feels angry at him and, as my habits go, I feel angry at myself. Many think anger resides just in the past. You will gnaw over things that happened between you but remember, you will also agonise over the things that might have been. This sense of being robbed sits in the craw of your throat!

I felt inspired to look up the stages of grief.

Denial – can’t accept what’s happened, numbness

Anger – fury, still disbelieving slightly how things have turned out

Bargaining – PLEASE! I’ll do this, I’ll do that, *I AM* so sorry.

Depression – stalemate, unable to move on.

Acceptance – the turning point!

It’s a great chronology. Of course, you will feel concurrent stages at once, you will wax and wain and you will want to find radical solutions to your situation.

I also remember something else my ex frequently said, “Take things day by day.”

Sometimes, I find myself having to take things minute by minute.

The term ‘triggered’ has taken on a culturally flaky meaning but there are things that will set you off, things that will remind you of lovely times, you will want to recreate those nice times and, in your head, you’ll consider every possible way to make that happen – and you’ll consider actually carrying them out!

What helps me to navigate the harder times is to remember that the people you meet will manifest from the state of mind you were in when you met them. There was no doubt I was in the most chaotic and depressive state of my life when he and I met. If you want to become a better, stronger person, you will have to let go of the attachments that keep you 

Weaker

Smaller

Willing to take unreasonable shit from people.

Frightened

Desperate

Living in a lack mentality

(Add to this list by commenting below the version of yourself you want to move AWAY from and, most importantly, what you want to positively embody).

Every single person you meet comes into your life for a reason. 

I mean it, every single one. 

Most will pass easily in and easily out of your life but there are a few that are incredibly significant. Have your eyes and ears open to learn from them and the wonderful gifts they can bestow. Otherwise you’re just living passively rather than actively.

Be in the driving seat!

Take each day as it comes.

Dear God, don’t hide from your emotions!

Examine your feelings and be kind to yourself.

You absolutely have it in you to emerge triumphant!


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